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What will absolutely, positively happen in 2013

scrambled-toast-crystal-ball-300x285Well, looks like we made it through the Mayan apocalypse after all. That means we’re faced with another year – and more predictions about what that year may hold in store.

As faithful readers may recall, last year I successfully predicted the Facebook IPO (and subsequent face plant), that Windows Phone would become the third most popular smart phone (and still get no respect), and that Mitt Romney would be the Republican nominee for president (and still get no respect).

However, I unsuccessfully predicted that Apple would produce an iOS based HDTV, RIM would be acquired by either Google or Microsoft, and the Geico Gecko would become a third-party candidate for president. Also, there was that whole Mayan prophecy thing. Who knew they had more than one calendar?

Still, with a track record like that, I couldn’t resist doing it again. Here’s what’s going to happen over the next 12 months – you can bank on it. Expecially if you bank at Leon’s House of Savings and Waffles, like I do.

Prediction No. 1: This year I am renewing my prediction that Apple will bestow a new apps-friendly HDTV unto a grateful planet. Why? Because a) it has to happen eventually, and b) what else do they have left? The number of devices that can be doused in magical sparkle sauce (aka the Apple iOS) is dwindling rapidly.

Prediction No. 2: After being named 2012 Person of the Year in’s Internet poll and “sexiest man alive” by The Onion, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un will stun the world by making an appearance on The Voice. His signature song: “My Way – Gangnam Style.”

Prediction No. 3: Agents working for Iran will launch a major cyber attack on the US, crippling critical parts of our domestic Internet infrastructure. This will go largely unnoticed by US netizens, who will be too busy arguing over the latest language changes in Facebook’s terms of service.

Prediction No. 4: After finally identifying the Higgs Boson (aka the “God particle”), researchers at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva will announce they’ve identified the Atheist particle. It will turn out that it was on Quora all along.

Prediction No. 5: Tim Cook will introduce the iBlender, a miraculous device that allows user to make delicious life-changing smoothies by tapping on a touchscreen, provided you only use ingredients pre-approved by the Apple Store. (Sorry, no Blackberries.) The Internet will spend the next three months tearing down the iBlender to price out its component parts, writing about how blended drinks have changed everything forever, and speculating when the next, even smaller, model will appear.

Prediction No. 6: Six months later Google will introduce the Blendexus, a kitchen appliance with razor sharp titanium-coated blades that can render any object to an recognizable pulp within five seconds. However, a bug in the Android 5.3 OS (aka “Krispy Kreme”) will cause it to occasionally go beserk and start attacking household pets.

Prediction No. 7: China will release malware that targets SCADA systems at US utility companies, rendering one third of the nation without power. The other two thirds won’t notice because they’ll be too busy complaining that Twitter is acting really wonky.

Prediction No. 8: Foxconn will announce sweeping new reforms in its electronic sweatsh– err, manufacturing facilities, most of them involving replacing human workers with robots. Six months later the robots will go on strike, citing intolerable working conditions.

Prediction No. 9: Members of US Congress will introduce several major pieces of legislation targeting content piracy, all of them ghostwritten by Hollywood lobbyists. These will fail after Reddit exercises its supreme veto power, as dictated by the US Constitution version 2.0.

Prediction No. 10: A software malfunction at a crumbling ICBM facility in Novosibirsk will accidentally launch a first strike nuclear attack on US cities. An autonomous counter-strike driven by a long-forgotten COBOL routine buried deep within NORAD’s mainframes will result in total global destruction, one year behind schedule. Web surfers will be the last to realize this, because they’ve been too busy creating animated GIFs of Kim Jong Un singing “My Way.”

This originally appeared at InfoWorld.

Fortune teller image borrowed lovingly from the Overly Positive blog.

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